So here goes. This is what having chronic migraine* brings me:

• It forces me to better listen to my body. You cannot ignore a severe headache, you have to rest and/or lie down. Even when it is just a light headache, I have to take it into consideration and take it a little easier, so that it does not worsen. And it makes me aware of and better attuned to my body’s (other) signals. Which is ultimately a good thing, because, if you don’t listen to your body, it will scream louder and louder until you simply cannot ignore it any longer. And that usually means becoming incapacitated, for example having a burn out, or other serious (mental) health issues. (And this is arguably what caused my migraines to go from episodic to chronic).

• It forces me to take small steps. For example, now that I am building my own business, I have to take it step by little step. At first I found it frustrating that I could not do much more in much less time and take bigger leaps like other people. But now I realize that because my I can only do little steps, it makes those small steps, all my choices and the whole process much more conscious, thoughtful and carefully considered. This way I’m more likely to end up having the business that I want the way I want it, and a life that truly matches my idea(l)s. 

• It helps me to appreciate the little things and those small steps. Especially in the moments when I can do little else than lie in bed or sit on the couch, that sip of ginger tea that helps against nausea or the breeze in the room or that beautiful book I’m reading make a real difference.

• It makes me slow down. The small steps I take cannot be too fast either, which gives me the opportunity to be in the moment more, consciously experiencing what I’m doing, instead of rushing through life so many others.

• It stops me from pushing myself (too much). I used to always push a little further, so that I would finish that task, run or walk that extra kilometer (I prefer the metric system ;-)), stay up a little longer and so on and so forth. It seems like a good thing, because you get results. But if you achieve those results at the expense of your health, then how valuable are they really? I still have the tendency to push myself, but slowly I am learning, combined with the improved listening to my body, to take a break when I need a rest, to cut myself some slack, to stop before I enter that phase of teeth-grinding struggling and perfectionism. And at the same time feeling when the situation does call for that extra, firm but gentle, push. 

• I can’t party hard. Sometimes I wish I could go (or have gone) through life like others who go to all the festivals with loud music, who go to clubs with bright flickering lights, staying up late drinking and partying and living it up, getting by on little sleep. But my dear liver wanted to let me know she is very grateful for my low alcohol intake and my skin thanks me for all the early nights. My party intolerance is good for my health in general and probably a big contributor to my (still) youthful appearance ;-). 

• Besides a lack of hangovers, my chronic migraine causes me to take good care of myself in general. Healthy eating, regular mindful not-too-vigorous exercise (like yoga and walking), enough sleep, the whole package. Because if I don’t, I’ll pay the price.

• (Self-)acceptance. This is a tough one. It’s not always easy to accept the chronic migraine. Or the parts of myself that I don’t like. But because I’ve experienced that not accepting myself with all the headaches and everything that comes with them makes my condition worse, I just have to. It takes time and the meetings and magazine by ‘Hoofdpijnnet’ (‘Headache net’, Dutch headache patient organization) help a lot.

• I am more inclined to spend energy on the right things, meaning the things I want to spend my energy on, the things that are good for me, that are useful and make me happy. I don’t have enough energy and/or ‘relatively’ headache-free time to waste it on activities or people that don’t align with who I am. 

• It teaches me the sacred skill of Asking For Help. Another big thing for me. I don’t like asking for help. I’m afraid to place a burden on other people or be a burden to other people and am afraid they don’t like to help me but feel obliged to and start resenting me etc. This ties in with the self-acceptance thing. Not asking for help makes the situation worse though, because without any help I often have to push myself to get things done when I should be taking a rest instead, and keeping my pain and issues to myself makes things heavier. This makes not asking for help no longer a viable option. Asking for help and sharing what’s wrong eases the pain and gives friends the chance to connect on a deeper level. Guess what: people like helping you out, it gives them a sense of meaning and purpose and belonging. This is a truth I was never taught but have been trying to teach myself over the past years, and now chronic migraine helps me with that.

To sum it all up: having chronic migraine makes me kinder to myself and live a more mindful life.

Maybe other people with chronic conditions can relate to this and/or even add on to the list. For people without (chronic) migraine, especially those who say/think “I wouldn’t be able to go on” or “I wouldn’t be able to handle it”, I hope that it shows them that living with (almost) constant headaches can be worthwhile and purposeful. 

To everybody out there who suffers from chronic migraine I would like to say: you are not alone. I know how desperate you can feel sometimes, how lonely those hours/days in bed can be, how hard it is at times. I hope we can learn from all these difficult experiences and from the positive ones and slowly make our lives better and maybe someday even heal the headache. We got this <3. 

*Headache occurring on 15 or more days/month for more than 3 months, which, on at least 8 days/month, has the features of migraine headache.

Over the past year I have been figuring out what I could do to contribute, to make a living, what kind of business and life I would want to have and how I can fit that in with my other energy-devouring ‘project’ called chronic migraine. 

I followed an online coaching program for gifted people to learn how to clarify my goals and needs in life and how to work towards them. I travelled through Italy for over 7 weeks. I am in a coaching and reintegration trajectory through the UWV (Dutch institute for employee insurance, who pay my sickness benefit) with a company that helps me test the viability of my business idea and work towards starting my business. 

I moved in with my mom temporarily after returning from Italy while looking for a permanent place to live. (After learning about my 2nd year of sickness benefit and the trajectory to help me start a business I decided stay in NL for the time being to build my life, a business and income and to try to improve the migraine situation). 

I decided I wanted to live in The Hague, where I can go to the beach, dunes and sea easily, where I have met new friends, where it is greener and easier to find a (cheaper) place to live than in A’dam. And it is still a big and international enough town. First I found a temporary place in The Hague from where I could search for my new home more easily. Eventually, all the time and effort payed off and I found a cute tiny apartment with a nice big balcony in a vibrant neighborhood. My new home base :). 

All of this cost me a lot of time and energy, physically and mentally. There was no space for blogging. But it was for the better: I now have a place to live. I now have a clear view of what I want to manifest in my life over the next years. I now know what my business will be about.

What I am designing and building is a program for highly sensitive women, who are multi-passionate, creative, perfectionist and idealistic, and who want to learn to take up more space, so that they can fully take up their place in the world, walk their own path and live their best life. Actually I am designing the program that I needed (and sometimes still need) in my life. Because what they say is true: ‘your mess is your message’ ;-). For now, this program will be in Dutch, which makes it easier for me to create and start it. My intention is, however, if all works out well and once I have more experience running and improving the program (and my English), to create an international version in English. I think I will keep this blog here, maybe under a separate tab, not sure yet.

The whole process of filtering all my ideas, crystallizing them, working on what my program should be like, moving toward starting a business step by step, is beautiful but also terrifying, confronting and difficult. Especially for a self-critical perfectionist like me :). But if you want to help people use their voice then you should start by using your own. So I am helping me take up my space, learning to ask for help in spite of my fear of being a burden to others, allowing myself to move forward and take steps even though not everything is clear yet and nothing is (close to) perfect.

This perfectionism played a role in why I was silent on this blog as well. I was in the process of writing several blog posts, some of them almost finished, but I seemed to get more and more critical of what I was writing, afraid to post, afraid of what others would think, reverting back into my old patterns of playing small out of fear of rejection. Had I not dealt with this sh*t though? What had I been doing at acting school for all those years? Was everything I learned there about making mistakes and daring to put yourself out there gone now? Actually, it wasn’t and isn’t. But sometimes, because stuff happens and we get hurt, we fall back into an old groove. Because even though we learn to overcome certain obstacles in a certain situation (i.e. on stage), that doesn’t mean that we are never bothered by those same obstacles in other situations (writing personal blogs) anymore. Or we have to deal with them on another, next or deeper, level. When you are prone to perfectionism and self-criticism, it will always be something you will fall back on more easily than others. Having these sensitivities or predispositions is completely okay, we all have them. As long as we know why and how they show up and learn the tools to deal with them, we can help ourselves out of that narrow groove before it gets too deep. We can keep moving forward, into bigger space, with bigger shoes on a wider path. And, hopefully, help others do the same along the way.

Big hug,

Marloes

When everything around you has a big impact on you…When your senses react strongly to stimuli, when your nervous system processes things more extensively, then being in this world can be overwhelming. You may not want to ‘root in the earth’, to ground, because you are afraid you will be hurt and won’t be able to get away or hide, or the soil will be too much to handle for your roots. You might have the tendency to float, upwards, away from all these sensations that overwhelm you, away from the danger, into the light air. It seems safer, because up there you will be able to move swiftly in case you need to, move away quickly when something overwhelms or even attacks you. And maybe this used to be a successful survival strategy for you in some situations in the past or in your childhood. But up there in the air you are much more vulnerable. A deeply rooted tree can endure a storm. A branch or leaf in the sky, however, will be blown away, out of control, completely dependent on where the wind will take it. The perceived safety of being unrooted is a fallacy. It is a form of self-sabotage. It may have helped you in a way when you were a kid, but as an adult it may limit you.

For me it has always been difficult to ground and then take up space from there. I didn’t even realize how much I used to be ‘in my head’ until I went to acting school. Where they told me I needed to get out of my head and into my body. That it seemed like I pulled myself upwards, out of my body, away from my base, from myself. Instead of grounding, letting my weight descend and fully embody all that I could be.

I now realize this pattern is interwoven in my life in different ways. Not just in the physical and energetic (resistance to) grounding but also in my aversion to settling down in general.

I’ve always longed to go abroad, live abroad, to travel the world. A settled life in the Netherlands (NL, my ‘home’ country) has never appealed to me that much. It never seemed obvious to me the way it seemed to be the obvious or even only choice for most people I know. Wandering, or living in another country every few years, has always had a strong appeal.
During an internship and early on in my working life I lived in other countries. And a few years ago I went on an amazing long-term solo trip. I had a hard time re-adjusting to structured life once back here in NL.
A wandering lifestyle does have its downsides though. After having travelled around, and moved from place to place in my own country for a few years, I am getting tired of having my possessions in boxes and bags and living in other people’s homes, in temporary conditions. It feels like I’m living a conditional life. Everything is fleeting.
I love(d) the non-permanence of things, being able to pack my bags and leave without (much) hassle. But when you live like this it is hard to build up anything. Healthy long-term relationships, a career or a business, a community, habits like playing the guitar and a daily yoga practice. Some things are a lot easier to do when you stay in one place, have a base.

This fall I found myself at a crossroads again, coming back from a trip, and at first wasn’t sure whether I should go and travel and explore again as soon as possible (and maybe find a place to live temporarily somewhere abroad), or whether I should settle down here in NL permanently.
But with my chronic migraine, being on sickness benefit and going into a trajectory to help me get back to a working life, the circumstances compel me to stay put for a while. I guess I should take the hint from the universe 😉 and find a place to live. Build a foundation for myself first, grow some roots. Create a solid base from which I might, when the time has come, venture out into the world again from time to time.

It can feel so contradictory. That the safest and healthiest thing to do is to ground, when moving away from the perceived source of discomfort feels so natural to you. It is a reflex. It takes a lot of time and practice to lean in instead of pull away. The comfort in the discomfort, however, is that you will be able to handle this discomfort better when firmly grounded.
It is easier to handle high sensitivity and all that comes with it, to use it and thrive with it when you are fully embodying yourself, firmly rooted in the ground, in full connection with the place where you live, the world and your life. In this case moving closer to the fire also means moving closer to that powerful fire within yourself.

I wish for you that you will have a safe solid base, that you are grounded. And that from that strong foundation you will continue to grow strong and healthy, branching your full self out into the sky further and wider than you could ever have imagined. That you will blossom.
Nurture your roots and then go chase your dreams from there.

Another reason we sometimes don’t quit when we should, is because of all the time and effort and money we already spent on the thing we want to quit. We think about what a total waste of all this time/effort/money it would be if we threw in the towel.
However, the real waste would be to keep spending our valuable life time on something that no longer serves us.

I myself am ‘guilty’ of using the above excuses for not ending something that doesn’t suit me anymore. Quitting my PhD was a big step for me at the time and I still get a little stab of shame whenever I think about it. A feeling best identified as a mixture of shame, guilt and discomfort. Insecurity and inadequacy. “I quit my PhD and therefore I failed”. Some of my friends did get their PhD’s so they’re better than me. More successful, accomplished, tenacious, stronger; better people really. I am the loser, the one who couldn’t make it, the failure.
Of course I don’t literally think those things, but that sense of “I’m not good enough and I failed” is definitely at the core of my feelings. Rationally I know that I am no less of a person. And that quitting can be the best decision or even the necessary decision to make.
Recently I told someone about my life path and talked about how I was doing a PhD in Nijmegen years ago and how I hated it and that I quit and before I could say much more, this person said to me: “Wow, that’s so brave, way to go! So many people keep doing it just because they don’t dare to quit. Good for you that you did.” Instead of seeing it (or me!) as a failure, this person actually applauded me for it. Because why would you continue on a painful journey that you don’t enjoy and don’t have any fulfilling purpose for, just for the sake of persevering?
It wasn’t the first time that someone actually seemed glad to hear that there are people who do quit their PhD project. It wasn’t the first time that someone was relieved or even inspired to hear the story of someone who quit. We often get inspired by people who dare to stop and change direction when they feel they are on the wrong path.
Then why the stab of shame? Then why do so many people still keep on keeping on in their PhD projects, or jobs, or relationships, even though it no longer serves them? Even though they are suffering and may even have (serious) health issues because of it?
Because society still conditions us this way. There is a pressure on us to not quit. We are told from the time we are tiny little kids to persevere, to grit our teeth and sit this one out, to endure. That’s brave and that’s being a good girl. And sometimes that may be what you should do. It probably isn’t a good idea to quit everything right away whenever you feel like you’re not enjoying it. Discomfort or fear is normal or even unavoidable when trying something new or out of your comfort zone, and any and every job or project or relationship is bound to cause stress and problems sometimes. There may be a pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow if we push through. But what if you have tried to hold on and endure, tried to work on the issues, look into the causes and have come to realize that this path is destroying you rather than making you grow? That enduring this situation even longer would be unhealthy? When it feels like the job/project/relationship you are in is killing your soul and eating away at your sanity:

Then, please, quit. Quit before you lose your mind and your health. It is not okay to have to dread every new day on the job, every new step on the path.

Let’s reform society into a healthy environment where people can quit a situation that is unhealthy for them. Where people can end things that make them thoroughly unhappy without being judged, without being seen as quitters and failures. Where we encourage people to follow their heart and gut and get out of that lousy job or project instead of looking down on them for not being ‘strong’ enough to hold on.

We are not a failure when we give up and quit. People can’t be failures anyway. Judge Victoria Pratt said the following in an interview by Marie Forleo: “Failure is just an event. It is not a characteristic. People can’t be failures.” Repeat these words to yourself whenever you feel the need.

And know this: you are allowed to quit. You are allowed to say “this is not working for me and I choose to choose something else, something that makes me happy”. Even if others think this is the right path for you. Even if others think you are giving up too soon, or quit too often. It is your life. You are the one who has to live it every day and therefore you should be the one who gets to control it and make the decisions.
There may be financial restraints or other reasons making it impossible for you to quit right away. Then I hope you can find help from others (friends, family, institutions, funds) who understand your situation. Speak to trusted others about what you can do to get out of it. Start working on another solution/job/project behind the scenes of the current one if you can. Even if you cannot get out right now, there are small steps you can take and even just admitting to yourself and trusted others that you want to quit can help set the wheels in motion.

And, once you have quit, if for whatever reason it turns out that quitting was not the right thing to do after all, or you feel like you made a mistake: that’s okay too. Because when you quit you did something that in that moment or situation felt best for you. You chose what seemed best at that time. That’s what matters. We cannot look into the future and predict how everything will turn out. Just try to go with your gut, your intuition, with the self-caring part of you that whispers to you that it is time to let go. That’s the part that knows you can never be a failure.

You Are Allowed To Quit
Quitting does not make you a failure
You are not and can never be a failure

Note to self 😉

It’s the day before. Clear-sightedness eve. The last day of having to wear thick glasses. The end of day lenses or monthly lenses that my eyes can’t tolerate anymore and that don’t come in the right strength anyway. Tomorrow I will get different lenses. Intraocular lens implants: lenses inside my eyes, between my iris and my own eye lens. No more -11 or -12, with astigmatism. No more waking up to a blurry blur of a world.
At least, I hope that that’s the case…because of course there are risks. Of course I am nervous about this procedure. It is a big step for me, and that’s putting it lightly. I got glasses when I was seven years old and I switched to contact lenses when I was 14. So twenty years of glasses&lenses, twenty years of near-sightedness and astigmatism are coming to a close.
For years I considered getting lens implants on and off, and I kept putting it off because of fear of what could go wrong, because I could still tolerate and see enough with my regular contact lenses, and because of the high costs. “What if it would go wrong?” There is chance of complications. The incision could get infected or my retina could detach….Then there would be a real risk of getting blind. Then no glasses or contact lenses could help me anymore. Being able to see has always brought me so much joy. As a HSP I can be deeply touched by a beautiful work of art or the beauty of nature (I tear up when I look at certain paintings, temples or when I see an ancient jungle tree for example). What if I would never be able to see those again? I have a very powerful imagination and am a strong visualizer, but the thought of never being able to actually see filled me with dread.

But this year I was fed up. Fed up with never being able to see clearly, not even with my contacts or glasses. Always having discomfort from my contact lenses, having to squint or blink continuously. Or my glasses getting all foggy or rained on, making it dangerous to be in traffic. So, finally, my desire to get the implants became bigger than my fear of becoming blind. It was as if a shift had been made in my head. I wanted this procedure and I wanted it now.
Yet it also kinda feels like cheating. Like I should be able to deal with and live with my eyes the way they are but I’m a spoiled coward, taking the easy way out. I am not blind, I can still see a little bit, so why can’t I just accept my limited but still present eyesight? But then again, if you reason like this then even wearing glasses or contact lenses could be considered cheating. Or getting a broken leg fixed. And not getting something fixed or a problem solved when you have the chance to is just stupid. I am definitely spoiled though, privileged for having the choice to get my eyes ‘fixed’ and I feel very grateful for that.

So here I am. Taking a sedative (mandatory pre-procedure medication unfortunately) and thinking about tomorrow, which may be the first day of a life with 20/20 vision.
In order to get here my eyes had to get tested in the same clinic first. This meant a few hours of looking into all kinds of equipment with (flashing or blinking) bright lights, getting eyedrops that dilate your pupils and make you dizzy and unable to accommodate (thus unable to see nearby). And therefore, for me, it also meant a migraine attack. But it was for a good cause. Fortunately my eyes were healthy and suitable for lens implants.
And, even though my contact lens intolerance was driving me crazy at times, it is also the reason I can now get reimbursement for the lens implantation. A happy accident.
So, I’m good to go. I’ve got all the medication I need (mostly different types of eyedrops), I have a designated driver (because of all the medication you are not allowed to drive on the day of the procedure) and caregiver ;-): my dear mom.
Wish me luck…

The day of the lens implantation

We have to get up early because it is a bit of a drive. I have to take another sedative and put eyedrops in my eyes that will dilate my pupils. Fortunately we are well on time. When I drink tea in the clinic with my mom they come to collect me for the necessary preparations for the surgery. Protective covers for my clothing and hair. Anesthetizing eye drops. Iodine in my eyes. That stuff stings. I wonder why it still stings so much when I just had these anesthetizing drops. I am taken to a room with reclining chairs where I will also recover after the procedure. They tell me that after this procedure people can feel quite unwell for a while. Why do they only tell me this now? They put my own glasses in a toilet bag. As always, I feel a slight panic because someone else is handling my (much-needed) glasses leaving me quite helpless. I think everyone with strong near-sightedness can probably relate to that feeling ;-). Then it is time and I am being taken into the operating room. I sit down and lean back in the chair. The eye doctor explains all the steps: some more disinfecting with iodine, putting a sterile cloth on my face, folding the implant lenses, making the incision and pushing the folded lens in, checking its position. One eye after the other. The iodine stings again and the heavy cloth feels unpleasant. Then the doctor cuts open the cloth around my right eye, which scares me a bit because the cutting is so close to my eye. I have to look into the bright lights overhead, aiming at one particular spot to help ensure the correct placement of the lens. I can see tools hovering over my eyes while I try to remain calm. Then I feel a sharp pain, when the doctor makes the incision, and I startle and let out an “Ow!”. I am not supposed to feel this. The doctor gives me more anesthetizing eyedrops but I still feel the pain. He gives me even more drops. It is better now but still very uncomfortable. He says that some people are just really hard to anesthetize. This happened to me once before with an anesthetizing injection that didn’t work, so I guess I’m one of those people. And, by the way, I think doctors should check if a patient is anesthetized enough before making incisions, because the shock and pain of feeling someone cut into your skin or eye is not exactly pleasant.
Fortunately the operation doesn’t take long. After both eyes are done the doctor walks me back to the recovery room. I feel a bit woozy and dizzy. I get a pill to decrease eye pressure. After a while the doctor checks my eyes and tells me I can go home. I go back to my mom and we drink tea in the lounge, waiting for me to feel better. Less dizzy, less tingling and in less pain. When a nurse walks by I express my concern over my headache and pain around my eyes. She takes me with her and gives me extra eye drops to decrease eye pressure. I am advised to go home (or hotel in our case) asap and sleep. I feel miserable and very dizzy, cannot walk by myself and almost pass out a few times. Fortunately we can already check into our room and I fall onto my bed right away. The tears start to flow when I think of the surgery, how rattled I am, overstimulated from all the sensations, and about what my mom told me; that others came back from the surgery relieved and saying it was painless and feeling fine and how different the whole experience was for me. Fortunately I can sleep well (even with the protective glasses to prevent rubbing in my eyes). The next day I feel a lot better and can see quite clearly. Back in the clinic an optometrist checks my eyes and my vision is very good. Of course I still see all kinds of halos and circles; these are normal side effects. The implants will take some getting used to. They tell me that the tingling sensations I had the day before were from the eye pressure decreasing pills and the dizziness and general malaise was cause by the sedative combined with the surgery. I wonder if it had been better to not take the sedative because it seemed to not have done me any good. We can drive back home. The ordeal is over. I feel relieved and exhausted. Now I have to recover, be very careful with my eyes (no rubbing, no make-up, no swimming etcetc) and, during the next three weeks, use various eye drops multiple times a day to prevent infection and inflammation.

About 4 weeks after the lens implantation

I thought I would be very emotional after getting these implants. Elated about finally being able to see well without glasses or contact lenses. But funnily enough, it still hasn’t sunk in yet. I still don’t seem to realize that I don’t need glasses or contact lenses anymore. Every night before I go to sleep I feel a bit restless because I think I still need to do something/forgot something, because I was so used to taking out my contact lenses before bed. Sometimes I still get a scare when I feel a bit of pain or discomfort and worry about an infection or other problem. I notice that I feel insecure about my eye health and vision. As if it is too good to be true that I can see clearly now and that it will be taken away from me again. I think this is part of the process of getting used to the new situation, learning to trust the new implants and my eyesight.
My (general) eyesight is pretty good now, although I see better/more clearly with my right than my left eye, which worries me a bit. During the past weeks, when I had to use the different eyedrops three times a day and there were a few heatwaves and a drought, my eyes suffered from the dryness caused by all these factors (and I have dry eyes anyway). Because of this my vision was sometimes more blurry with halos (especially my left eye), I had to blink all the time and use lubricant eye drops many times a day. So I could not see that clearly now that the rain had gone ;-). Now that there is more rain and I don’t need to use all the medicinal eye drops my eyes are less dry and my vision clearer. I do still need the lubricant eye drops, which is quite normal I think. In bed I will continue to wear the special glasses to prevent eye rubbing when I sleep until a month after the surgery. I will get a checkup in two weeks and I guess then I’ll ‘see’ how clear and good my vision really is and whether the incisions have healed completely.

Do you have intraocular lens implants too or did you get your eyes lasered? What was this procedure like for you? Are you happy with the result? Or do you still need glasses? I would love to read about your experiences, so drop me a comment if you want.
If you are interested in getting intraocular lens implants and have a question about options, the whole trajectory and/or my experience, feel free to send me an email at info@marloesvanmeel.nl

At this moment I strongly sense that my happy medium can be found somewhere in my vegan B&J’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. Time to dig in ;-).

I set this goal about a month ago. Excited and ready. And, yes, a little scared (okay a lot). I was going to write a blog post each week and make a drawing and post those on the Friday of that week. I was going to post a video every two weeks, also on Fridays. Then, after my deadline yesterday, I would evaluate how I felt about this way of working and decide on how I would like to continue.
Somewhere this week I lost the connection to my goal. Or actually it started the week before I think. I had planned to go shopping for clothes on Friday with my mom. Hadn’t done that in about two years and really felt like it. I would just finish all the blog stuff on the day before. Even though I did do that (well, almost), I didn’t post it until Saturday. Because I had announced my new blog on social media on a Saturday as well, the week before. And I still had to find some pictures to add to the blogpost and take pictures of my drawing. It didn’t seem like a big deal then to post on Saturday instead of Friday. But clearly it does feel like ‘slipping’ now that I’m doing it again this week while my final goal deadline was Friday June 9th.

The shopping spree was a lot of fun. Great quality time with my mom. But shopping also changed my focus and energy. For the past years I only went shopping for something if I really needed it, because I don’t want to have too much stuff anymore. I had decluttered a lot and that made me feel much more relaxed, free and light. For some reason having a lot of clothing, and other possessions, takes up a lot of mental space as well. It clutters your brains as well as your closets. It is baggage. (Tip for if you are interested in decluttering/tidying up: Marie Kondo’s work helped me a lot, see below for more info).
When I do go shopping for clothes (or other things), whether on- or offline, I become restless, because all of a sudden I’m in need of stuff. I’m lacking. Fed up with not having a certain type of dress or pants or top or, in this case, all of those and more. On a quest to find them, the pictures I have of them in my mind. As if I have decided that from now on I cannot go on like this anymore and need to get the lacking items as soon as possible. But of course I know that it wouldn’t matter much to not have the new clothes or whatever for another few weeks or even months because I’m doing okay without them. I travelled for months with only a backpack and I was fine. It is more that once I have made the decision to get new stuff, I want the process to be over with. Almost as if it’s a dirty or a bad thing.

I think there are a few reasons for my feeling bad and anxious about shopping. One of them is the decluttering. I’m afraid I will end up with too much clutter again. Even though the idea of decluttering and tidying up is not that you are never allowed to buy new stuff (but more that you only buy items you really love and need), I do feel kind of guilty about doing that, as if I have given in to meaningless consumerism.

Also, buying new things makes me more tied to where I live now. At least that’s how it feels for me. Because I cannot take all of those things with me when I go away. And I want to go away again. I want to travel again, maybe emigrate completely, go from country to country and see where I end up living, for a while or forever. However, for as long as I am still here, I do want to make my life comfortable. Since I came back from my travels in April last year I have been trying to get by with as little as possible, not having my own place to live, almost punishing myself, as if I had to continue the lifestyle I had while traveling, as if that was the only right way to live. But of course that is not true and there was no real valid reason for not making myself comfortable and buying some nice things for myself any longer.

And then there is the fear of becoming trapped by choice stress. We all know by now that having too many options, too much to choose from only makes us less able to choose, stressed-out and unsatisfied. Going online to look for a new bra can quickly turn into hours of frantic browsing through pages and pages with hundreds of similar, beautiful and even cheap options. And when there are so many options, you set your expectations high. You want the perfect bra. And you’re frustrated when you don’t find that perfect bra. Whereas, if you had had only, say, three options, you would have been satisfied with a reasonably good one.

This choice stress brings me back to the rest of the past week. After the day of offline shopping, the choices didn’t end. There were a few things I needed that I hadn’t been able to find in the stores and therefore wanted to order online. Hence my example above about the online shopping for a bra. It actually happened. I’m also in the process of deciding where in Austria I will go to for my vacation next week (woohoo!!) and how I will get there, what I will do there and so on. I had to choose which plays I was going to see at my old theater school and when. On Sunday I got to be a participant and training actress in a very nice HSP workshop that I had been really nervous about doing and this experience, what I could learn from it and how to evaluate it with the coach still occupied my mind as well.
In general, I was dealing with how best to divide my time, what to give my attention to, which decisions were best for me. All on ‘luxury first-world problems’, fun things really, not exactly life-threatening issues. Just like many other weeks. Just like many other people deal with all the time. General life, basically.

Then why did it throw me off track this week? I wasn’t that much busier now, I just felt busy. Was it the cumulative effect of all the past weeks of blogging and trying to get more done after months of migraines and not being able to work? Was it really that anxiety and guilt that came from all the shopping for and buying new stuff? Maybe I am using all of this as an excuse to sabotage my week, because I was afraid to reach my goal. Do I lack the self-love to give myself the victory of success and did I therefore secretly punish myself by not achieving my goal?
Or was I just really hormonal? Because, by Buddha, I was. To all the women out there with periods that make them desperate sometimes: I feel you! I had (and usually have) heavy cramps, heavy bleeding, felt dizzy and sick at times and really emotional, and I was trying to learn how to use a new menstrual cup. To all the ladies who are getting used to using a menstrual cup: again, I feel you! It can be uncomfortable and confronting, the clumsiness and the blood. So perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on myself about this week, because my body was having a really hard time.

Maybe I am reading way too much into all of this and it was just a bit of an off-week and a no-big-deal deadline delay of one day.

So I guess this blogpost could be about how a seemingly innocent and fun day of shopping can spiral into days of worry and choice stress in the mind of a highly sensitive person. Or should I make it about how a perfectionist can over-complicate having to do some activities, making a few choices and meeting a simple deadline?
Maybe it should be about how an over-analyzer can turn just some off-days without focus into a whole process of self-evaluation, evidence of relapse into old patterns and overall failure to achieve goals. Or, about how some tiny hormones can set off a chain of reactions that lead to a bloody mess ;-).

But then again, maybe it should really be about how that hormonal highly sensitive and therefore perfectionist over-analyzer can use all of those things to write a blog post that helps untangle this mess for her and hopefully makes some other hormonal highly sensitive perfectionist over-analyzers feel less alone in their own brain-spiraling struggles. I feel you!

And now I’m off for a run in the park…

P.S. Marie Kondo’s books: ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing’ (I haven’t read this one yet, it wasn’t available in the library when I needed it. Instead, I read the next one:) and ‘The Illustrated Guide to the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’

Another reason for ‘hanging in there’ alone was that big bad question: ‘What Will Other People Think Of Me??!’ I secretly feared that they would think I was weak, or crazy. I feared they would judge me for it and that they would be right.
Wrong again.

This is what I think is right:
-Getting professional help when you are going through a tough time means you take yourself and your life seriously. It is an act of self-love.
-Getting professional help means you are strong. Strong enough to admit you have a problem and take responsibility for it.
-Getting professional help is smart. It is much easier, healthier, effective and efficient to fight a crisis with the right kind of help.

In a recent interview with news site nu.nl, a Dutch TV-host/celebrity, named Patty Brard, said something important to me about therapy still being a taboo: “If you want to get rid of your wrinkles, it’s possible. If you want to lose weight, a ‘gastric bypass’ is an option. In the case of therapy it seems like you first need to be declared ‘wacko’ before you start it. But I think it would be good for everyone to speak to an independent person.”

I agree with her. We should all speak to an independent person, a professional therapist/psychologist/coach/mentor/insert counsellor of choice, in times of need. Preferably when the need is not too high yet. We ALL need this sometimes. It is a way of taking control (back) over your life, instead of being a victim of it. It is a gift to yourself.
That last line did it for me by the way. It is what made me go from shying away from seeing a professional to getting the psychological help that I needed after a rough year filled with personal setbacks. Finally it clicked within me that asking for that kind of help is not an embarrassing act of defeat, but rather the opposite: a proud act of self-care, indeed a gift to yourself.

And a gift to society. You will be able to be an even better version of yourself, and contribute more of everything you have to give, and you help release the social stigma on mental health. Talking about your mental health and getting therapy or counseling should be normal, if you ask me. Completely socially accepted. Unfortunately, it isn’t, not yet. Just like Patty pointed out in the interview. Because of the social stigma, a lot of people still make the choice I made in my twenties. But if more and more of us do get professional help and dare to be open about this to others, that stigma will be released.

Discussing your problems with friends and family can be very helpful, comforting, and bonding, and I recommend it to anyone, just as long as we all remember that as friends or family we are not independent or objective and usually not professional counselors. Other interests are at stake: trying to maintain a good relationship with each other. Which means we might not tell each other (all of) the truth or say what we really feel because we don’t want to hurt each other or are afraid of giving the wrong advice.
So, if you need professional help, get professional help. Your friends and family will hopefully and likely stand by you, but they should not be a replacement for therapy.

It is important to find the type of therapy or counseling that is best for you. I had sessions with a psychologist, later went for guided meditation sessions and last year I chose a life coach who works with a breathing technique (rebirthing). All of these were very helpful for me. But I am -of course- by no means a professional or expert in this area and have no idea what would be best for you. It is best to go to your doctor (general practitioner (GP)) or call a helpline. There are also a lot of online resources. A few helplines and a link to more helplines and websites are listed below and at the bottom of this article.

IMPORTANT: if you are in a crisis, and/or feel suicidal, please call a doctor or an emergency helpline asap.
In all of the EU the emergency number is: 112. And 116 123 is the EU Standard Emotional Support Number.
In the Netherlands: 0900-0113 (suicide prevention line)
In the US: 1-800-273-TALK [8255] (national suicide prevention lifeline)
For other countries, please see this website for all helplines: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

If you’re going through financially tough times and fear therapy is too expensive, please know that (most of) the helplines, and the online chat services are for free. In the Netherlands (where I’m from), appointments with a general practitioner (GP) are reimbursed by your mandatory basic health insurance. Many GPs in the Netherlands now have a so-called ‘POH-GGZ’ (Praktijkondersteuning Huisarts Geestelijke Gezondheidszorg), who can give you counseling and refer you to other mental health care providers if needed. The POH-GGZ is also reimbursed by your health insurance.
I don’t know if something like this exists in other countries. I just want to encourage you to take responsibility for your mental health, and empower yourself, by seeking professional help.

If you are reluctant to get professional help or didn’t get help when you probably needed it, ask yourself what it is that is holding you back. Is it fear? Is it secret self-sabotage due to a lack of self-love? Is it any or all of the reasons I wrote about at the beginning of this article?
Then you are ready to give yourself the best gift of all: own up to your issues, own your life, and go get that much-needed help.
YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!!

Oh yeah, and don’t move to Basel 😉

Helplines:
List of helplines and websites worldwide:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
For Crisis Centres worldwide:
https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Netherlands:
-0900-0113 (zelfmoordpreventie, hulp bij depressie)
-0900-0767 (sensoor, een luisterend oor, www.sensoor.nl, ook voor chats, email en lokale nummers)
–www.hulpverlening.nu (anoniem online hulp bij psychische problemen)

EU:
-116 123 (EU Standard Emotional Support Number, for details visit https://ec.europa.eu/digital-single-market/en/116-helplines)

US:
-1-800-273-TALK [8255] (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
-Online Chat: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
-Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741

Then why do we often hide, or why do we pretend to be what we’re not, why do we copy others?
Instead of living our uniqueness and expressing it, we try to be like others, to blend in. We don’t want to stand out. Be seen as weird. We just want to be normal. Accepted. Because we’re social animals and it can feel very unsafe to be on your own. We fear that we will be all alone. But is that true? Does unapologetically being yourself mean you won’t have friends, that people won’t like you? Just think about the people around you. The very authentic ones. Are they alone, outcasts? Or do they have friends who support them? Don’t we usually like them for that very authenticity (Hello Madonna!)? Don’t we admire that they don’t compromise their personality?
I do. I notice that I am drawn to authentic people. That I resent fakeness. Yet I have often been afraid of showing and expressing myself fully. I don’t become a different person and I’m not fake but people in the office saw a different side of me than my acting school classmates. Is that a bad thing? Or is it inevitable? This ability to adapt to different environments, which a HSP characteristic by the way, is part of what defines me. So not doing it would mean compromising myself as well ;-).

Maybe the key is to honor our adaptability and our need to belong, but at the same time not ignore those other, more creative, unique sides that make us stand out. Express those sides. Because hiding leads to bad sad places. Hiding the parts you may be ashamed of, that you think don’t deserve to be brought into the light, will make you feel worse and spiral further away from self-acceptance. In order to be a balanced person, we need it all, the dark and the light. I know it’s much easier said than done. It takes a lot of courage and work, and maybe therapy or counseling, to accept and express ‘your darker side’. But I think it is a journey worth traveling; one that leads to harmony. I’m still on it ;-).
I’ve found that the best way for feeling real, like my true whole self, and let out the darker stuff as well, is by expressing myself in different creative ways. The years that I didn’t do this, I was basically in hiding. In a shell. I was omitting very big and important parts of myself. Vital parts I know now. As vital as my heart and lungs but in a different way, on a soul level.

I finally started breaking through this hiding-shell when I finally dared to take up acting when I was around 24 and feeling miserable and unfulfilled in my Phd position. First I started taking courses, and enjoyed those so much that I went on to doing acting school later on (but that’s a whole story in itself ;-)).

I used to play the guitar when I was a kid, but quit when I was 16. Puberty and losing connection with it I guess. I did miss it later on, but the threshold for starting again became higher and higher, because I was afraid of how bad I had become at it. During acting school I finally picked up the guitar for an idea I had for an acting assignment, looked up a simple three-chord song and clumsily tried to play it. It was hard. During one of the lessons I explained to the class what it felt like to not have played in so long. It made me very emotional. I guess I never fully realized how important it had been to me. After acting school I was busy in a job that didn’t suit me and I almost never picked up the guitar. Then I went backpacking in 2016-2017 and there was one thing I knew for sure I wanted to do when I came back: take guitar lessons and play again. And sing more. But I still didn’t.

Instead, I was busy getting adjusted to being back home and working a fulltime job. It took me another dark phase in my life to really start expressing myself in every way again. A phase filled with back-to-back migraine attacks; constant headaches and feeling deeply depressed. One of the things I realized when I came out of it was this: I have to express myself, creatively. I can no longer ignore certain parts of myself just because ‘it is more convenient for the time being’. So that I can dedicate more energy to my job or fit into that job or a certain lifestyle better, or because I am afraid to. I can’t. Not even temporarily. Because when I do that, when I refrain from creative expression, there is no energy left for that job or anything else. It isn’t worth it, it never was and it never will be.

My coach (who basically saved my life) helped me with this realization as well. Back in the fall, during that terrible phase, during one of our sessions, she encouraged me to start drawing. As a kid I had loved to draw and during my school and university years the drawing turned into doodling. I never made real drawings anymore. After I became an aunt I sometimes drew with my niece and nephew, but I noticed that I felt a resistance to it, a pressure I put on myself. The drawings had to meet a certain self-imposed standard.

Reading a book, a manual, for creative multi-passionate sensitive souls like myself gave me the last nudge to end all this hiding and holding back. It explained why, especially when you’re multi-passionate and sensitive, you have to create art. Not high-quality high-brow art. Just self-expression, just put on paper whatever comes up, let the creativity flow, art as an outlet.
I finally started drawing again and put my drawings on this website too. To show that it is okay, even necessary, to have that kind of outlet, to just create stuff. To show that it doesn’t need to meet a standard, or be perfect, but that it just needs to be. And if you hate drawing, create something else that soothes your soul, makes you come alive. Writing, singing, dancing, acting, crochet, sculpting, anything with which you can express yourself. And put it out there. Showcase it. So that even more people get inspired to express themselves.

I am happy (and proud :)) to write that I started taking guitar lessons again and now play every day. And I sing a lot too. It still makes me emotional when I tell people that I didn’t play for so long and it makes me tear up when writing this. Currently I am still not doing any acting, which I miss a lot as well, but with the guitar playing, singing, drawing and not to forget the writing and videos I do for this website, I feel much more fulfilled. And I will find a way to integrate acting and theatre making into what I do.

So please don’t be like me and quit your creative endeavors or don’t do them at all until you feel rock-bottom. If you’re highly sensitive, you may feel like the odd one out, and may be more inclined to try to blend in, not rock the boat. But you may also need the creative outlet even more, an outlet for your sensitivity in an often non-sensitive world. Honor that. Respect that. Fulfill that.

There may be people who wonder: “but I hate all these creative activities, drawing or singing are not for me, what do I do?” Find another outlet, one that works for you. However, don’t assume too quickly that you are not creative. We are all creative in some way or another. There is often a fear underlying our thinking we are not creative. A fear of not being good enough, of being judged. Try different ways of expressing yourself creatively, just try them out and see how you feel. You don’t have to be good at any of them, it is just about the self-expression. Find the outlet that works for you, so you have a way to express your deepest feelings.

“Express yourself, don’t repress yourself
And I’m not sorry (I’m not sorry)
It’s human nature (It’s human nature)”

(From ‘Human Nature’, by Madonna)

P.S. If you’re interested :), the lifecoach I mentioned is Chungmei Cheng, orchidoflife.nl, the manual I referred to is ‘The Wonderfully Weird Woman’s Manual’, by Esther de Charon de Saint Germain, estherdecharon.com

A few things bother me. First off, the general manager is standing next to her and I feel like I am being lectured and put in a bad light in front of him. Second, she gives me advice about a condition that I have had my whole adult life (and probably even before) and that she doesn’t have. But because she knows a lot about a specific migraine medicine, she seems to think she knows more about migraine treatment than me. Third, she wants to help me, and I don’t want to be ungrateful, but the thing is: I didn’t ask for help or advice. And last but not least: this happens all the time. Many people, when I mention I have migraines, immediately give their -probably very well-meant yet unsolicited- advice. “It sounds weird but I always go running when I feel a headache coming up.” “My friend goes to an acupuncturist and never has migraines anymore.” “I read that having sex and especially having orgasms makes headaches go away.” “Maybe you are just stressing out too much.” (Yes, I am, over all this unsolicited advice I am getting ;-)). I think it also has to do with the fact that people tend to see a condition like migraine as something that is at least to a certain degree the result of something you’re doing wrong. Because, how many times do they give tips and tricks to someone with, say, diabetes type I? Diabetes is not your fault. When you suffer from migraines, though, it is assumed, there must be something somewhere you fail at or forget to do. And therefore you need advice.

I use this migraine story because it is a clear example from my personal experience. But unsolicited advice is dispensed in many situations, not only in the case of medical conditions. Just go on Twitter, post something that bothers or strikes you and the tips, tricks, criticism and advice (yes mansplainers I see you ;-)) come pouring in.

Trying to help someone is not a bad idea in itself, of course, it can be a very loving act. We are social creatures and want to help other people out, by nature. Especially when you see that a person is clearly in trouble and looks like they need help. Maybe you know something about the problem the other person has that is the missing piece of advice to said problem. That is very well possible. However, you cannot read the mind of the other person and therefore don’t know whether this person wants help or advice. And how much help and advice they already have (had). Maybe they just want to vent, just want to express their feelings about a situation. Assuming that someone can solve things on their own and will ask for help if needed, may be a much more respectful thing to do than to immediately jump to the rescue. In fact, thinking the other person needs you(r opinion) and is not capable of dealing with their problems is a bit arrogant and condescending. I think we should believe in and respect the integrity, assertiveness and boundaries of others.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine you have a problem. In the example above, a chronic condition. You have tried all kinds of medications, have gone to see different doctors, to no avail. Many, many, many people have given you many, many, yes, many bits of advice. Mostly unsolicited, sometimes helpful. Advice you often followed. Again, mostly to no avail. You have read so much throughout all these years about this condition you have become quite the expert. And because nothing really helps, even though all the bits of advice suggest it should, you start to feel like it’s your fault. And every time another person has a suggestion that should help you because it helped so and so, that feeling gets a little worse. It undermines your self-esteem, integrity and the acceptance of your problem as something you can and need to learn to live with.
How would you like it, if you were that person, if yet again someone comes up with the next ostensible cure to your problem, while you weren’t asking for it?

I am not writing this blogpost because I want pity for my migraines or want to complain about them. I am writing this because I see and feel the (consequences of) unsolicited advice very often and yet also feel the tendency to give unsolicited advice myself. I am writing about this because I want to learn to be more respecting of other people, of their integrity and abilities.
I also don’t mean to sound like a spoiled ungrateful bitch. I do appreciate it when people want to show their sympathy by trying to help me with something. I don’t think we should stop helping people or shouldn’t dispense, but I would like to suggest a more respectful way to do so: asking. Ask someone first if they want advice or help. Or if they would like you to just listen. Or, maybe even better: ask what you can do for them. Just ask. Wouldn’t that be a simple and nice way of showing respect for that person while also honoring the fact that you would like to help out?

I hope that more people (read: everyone), including myself, will think twice before giving unsolicited advice (wow, that even rhymes!).