I didn’t post on this website for a long time. That doesn’t mean that I forgot about it, had nothing to write about or even that I didn’t write. There were other reasons for the silence on this website though. I would like to elaborate on those and explain what was and is going on in my life.
Over the past year I have been figuring out what I could do to contribute, to make a living, what kind of business and life I would want to have and how I can fit that in with my other energy-devouring ‘project’ called chronic migraine.
I followed an online coaching program for gifted people to learn how to clarify my goals and needs in life and how to work towards them. I travelled through Italy for over 7 weeks. I am in a coaching and reintegration trajectory through the UWV (Dutch institute for employee insurance, who pay my sickness benefit) with a company that helps me test the viability of my business idea and work towards starting my business.
I moved in with my mom temporarily after returning from Italy while looking for a permanent place to live. (After learning about my 2nd year of sickness benefit and the trajectory to help me start a business I decided stay in NL for the time being to build my life, a business and income and to try to improve the migraine situation).
I decided I wanted to live in The Hague, where I can go to the beach, dunes and sea easily, where I have met new friends, where it is greener and easier to find a (cheaper) place to live than in A’dam. And it is still a big and international enough town. First I found a temporary place in The Hague from where I could search for my new home more easily. Eventually, all the time and effort payed off and I found a cute tiny apartment with a nice big balcony in a vibrant neighborhood. My new home base :).
All of this cost me a lot of time and energy, physically and mentally. There was no space for blogging. But it was for the better: I now have a place to live. I now have a clear view of what I want to manifest in my life over the next years. I now know what my business will be about.
What I am designing and building is a program for highly sensitive women, who are multi-passionate, creative, perfectionist and idealistic, and who want to learn to take up more space, so that they can fully take up their place in the world, walk their own path and live their best life. Actually I am designing the program that I needed (and sometimes still need) in my life. Because what they say is true: ‘your mess is your message’ ;-). For now, this program will be in Dutch, which makes it easier for me to create and start it. My intention is, however, if all works out well and once I have more experience running and improving the program (and my English), to create an international version in English. I think I will keep this blog here, maybe under a separate tab, not sure yet.
The whole process of filtering all my ideas, crystallizing them, working on what my program should be like, moving toward starting a business step by step, is beautiful but also terrifying, confronting and difficult. Especially for a self-critical perfectionist like me :). But if you want to help people use their voice then you should start by using your own. So I am helping me take up my space, learning to ask for help in spite of my fear of being a burden to others, allowing myself to move forward and take steps even though not everything is clear yet and nothing is (close to) perfect.
This perfectionism played a role in why I was silent on this blog as well. I was in the process of writing several blog posts, some of them almost finished, but I seemed to get more and more critical of what I was writing, afraid to post, afraid of what others would think, reverting back into my old patterns of playing small out of fear of rejection. Had I not dealt with this sh*t though? What had I been doing at acting school for all those years? Was everything I learned there about making mistakes and daring to put yourself out there gone now? Actually, it wasn’t and isn’t. But sometimes, because stuff happens and we get hurt, we fall back into an old groove. Because even though we learn to overcome certain obstacles in a certain situation (i.e. on stage), that doesn’t mean that we are never bothered by those same obstacles in other situations (writing personal blogs) anymore. Or we have to deal with them on another, next or deeper, level. When you are prone to perfectionism and self-criticism, it will always be something you will fall back on more easily than others. Having these sensitivities or predispositions is completely okay, we all have them. As long as we know why and how they show up and learn the tools to deal with them, we can help ourselves out of that narrow groove before it gets too deep. We can keep moving forward, into bigger space, with bigger shoes on a wider path. And, hopefully, help others do the same along the way.